bye bye social media


So if you're reading this, I probably trusted you with my life and you're reading this because I appreciate you in my life. I'm not mad because of you. Or maybe around two of you have fucked me over and you are part of what I just chose to do. On my laptop I have blocked every social media website I use for a whole week so I don't talk to anyone online and it is just me alone. If you want to hang out with me then tell me in real life. Not over text. So many people I think are friends don't really care about my feelings. I don't think I'm perfectly okay right now. I just cried like four different times. The people that care will make an effort to talk to me. I'm not approaching anyone for a whole week because I don't give a fuck anymore. No one is real in this life because we only care about ourselves. So really fuck all of you except if you're reading this. This blog right here is just a whole collection of my real feelings. I really fucking hate almost everyone in my class. It went from hating 85% to 95%. There's only one person who's chill and who cares. I may not talk to him a lot, but I know that he would care. I just think I need some time alone to reflect on what the fuck is going on in my life. I'm too stressed and that stress comes from my laptop and my phone. All my school stuff is online, I keep getting reminded of it. I get reminded of failed friendships, relationships and shit like that. I really don't want to give a fuck. Since I'm so slow at getting over people I thought this would be easier. I'm not forced to think about them. If my life is constantly going to be me feeling unloved, hopeless and just being sad all the time. I really don't want to live this life. Seriously can someone just kill me? I'm not worth living anymore because I care too much and I trust people too easily. To all the people who can't read this because they have never gotten this link. Fuck you. Seriously. I fucking hate you and you are a reason that I don't trust people anymore. Also for those two people with this link that have fucked me over. Fuck you both so much. I trusted you, but you guys obviously don't care anymore and I have to get over you, but it's hard to get over someone I loved with my life and would do anything for. So bye. I think I'm going to post a lot more this month because it's seriously very shitty.


will everything be okay?


bad stuff is happening right now and I just fucking resorted to google translate to tell me everything will be okay. I'm crying, hyperventilating and shaking. I just need a sign that I shouldn't die. I really don't want to be here. I'm a mess and no one will love me. I do need help. I don't wanna do anything. I feel so fucking broken and emotionally exhausted. I just want to stop breathing, close my eyes and just die. Fuck my life. I won't miss it. I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone. Yet I know that I just want to hug someone so hard and just never let go because I need someone here. I can't do this alone. That won't matter when I'm dead. So will everything be okay? Right now it feels like nothing matters, no one cares and I don't fucking matter. I just don't want this life. Give me the option to run away and live far far away without obligations and just live in some fucking cave. That or I just kill myself. I can't take this anymore. Fuck this. 

friend please


You better be fucking reading this or else I swear to God. You are so fucking important to me. You sit next to me in class and make dumb jokes that are actually funny. You're so fucking sweet and kind, I hate seeing you be this sad. So many people love you and you might not see that, but it is true. I love you. You have so many friends that want to help you. I know what you feel like. I don't want this for you. Things always get better even if it doesn't feel like it right now. So just look at the bright side. Life isn't always perfect, we all know that. I know it feels hopeless and like nothing matters, that no one loves you. But that is wrong. It's all wrong. You don't understand how much more there is to life. If some people don't like you, fuck 'em because they don't know what they're missing. A strong, intelligent and funny guy. He hides behind his jokes and smiles, but no one sees how hurt he is. Try to do something good. You need help, get it. Call someone. Talk to someone you can trust. This does get better. This is just one point in life. You know this gets so much better. It might take time. Don't worry about it. Just try to stay positive. There are so many people that care about you. Don't forget that. If you're no longer here, we're all going to be devastated. You're better than this. It's all going to be fine.

a goodbye to this post, but don't say bye too soon.

dead inside


so today was fine. I don't care about what I did for school. some competition. I lost whatever. I just don't want to exist anymore. I don't know what it is. I just don't care. I wish I had killed myself earlier. I'm growing distant from my best friend. Why the fuck is this happening?


my playlists


if you want to hear my music for when I'm feeling down. its right here: https://open.spotify.com/user/1196167361/playlist/4s0ZUN48V3S7aLvD0EcEU0

If you like lo-fi/chill hop then check this one out (no it's not as sad as the first one. it's pretty joyful): https://open.spotify.com/user/1196167361/playlist/1fFidswGps50l3XG1P11SO

bye guys! i love youuu

what even is "importance"?


welcome back to my downward spiral. This month has been horrible. I'm just done with this. This whole thing. 

I always manage to make my friends go away from me. It's my talent. Someone I used to talk to all the time and hang out with them often, they stopped texting me about a month ago. I don't know what happened. They've seen my texts, they've watched my stories. They're still there, but not with me. They told me once that I would care if they stopped talking to me. I said I wouldn't because life goes on. I lied. I do care. I try to be mean to people sometimes so that when they do stop talking to me, they won't miss me. So that they don't have to go through the pain of losing someone that was always there for you. 

All the school work. I just want everything to be perfect. I want the best grades. I try so hard but of course, I don't always do good. So I try harder and harder. I keep rejecting plans with friends, but when I do go to one I start feeling guilty. That the time I spent there I could have done something more. Even when I try to work I just cannot work. I stare at my screen, trying to think of what to do. I can't figure out what to write. Am I stupid? Is all this effort even worth it? Also some fucking stupid ass play for the worst subject AKA drama class. How is memorising lines for Frankenstein going to help me in the future? 

I keep thinking about the future. Everyone I see now. I won't see ever again in my life after a few years. This school has shown me the worst years of my life. The worst people in my life. The only good part is that I've grown to be some try hard that can't succeed in essays because I am dumb.

I have friends at school. It is fun there. When I get home, no one talks to me. I'm just on my phone looking at some dumb shit that I laugh at occasionally. Then I go to sleep, later back to school. No one talks to me anymore. It's like I have people around me, but no one wants to have anything to do with me outside of school. I have friends, but I still feel lonely.

I have lost all my motivation. I don't want to do anything anymore. In class, I just want to do nothing. Not talk to anyone, just listen to whatever is going on around me. Just to be alone because, in the end, all these people are just here temporarily. What's in it for me to talk to them if they'll leave anyway.

I started to like this guy, but he obviously likes my friends. So whatever. I'll just wait another few years until I like someone else. I rarely like people. I like the feeling, but after the first time I had real feelings towards someone, they left me. Love is a false feeling of happiness. No one is ever going to like me. I'm just a blob of fat. The fuck is there to like from me? Compared to the other girls at my school, I'm a monster. I'm disgusting. I guess I am better off alone.

I've never said this before, but I have nothing to lose. A while back I wrote a suicide letter, I had a rope and a chair. I was ready because nothing mattered at that point. I didn't have the guts to do it properly. The pressure the rope put on my neck has left me a feeling of choking like there's still something pushing against it which does not feel great. I have never told anyone. Since then I have ripped up my letter and threw it away. In the play I mentioned earlier, my character's death is from having her neck snapped by the monster. I hope he does it for real. Method acting. Kill me on stage. I don't care. As if I had a life.



Every night at this time I somehow get into deep conversations with people.

We fail to realise that people have feelings, struggles and problems. We think about ourselves all the time. Why can't we all get along and just be friends and support each other no matter what. 

I fail to realise people care about me. I always feel like I'm being pushed away, but I'm not. Some of my friends are shitty to me, but I'm still with them because they don't want to hurt me so I don't mind it. Yet some friends are liars and just want things from you. That sucks. I don't know what to do anymore. Who likes me and who doesn't? I have no idea if I've learnt the difference yet although I've already gone through this so many times.

What the fuck is life? Why do I care? There's no point to it anyways.



So I've been really depressed but I just can't bother texting people anymore at this point. All I get is a: it'll get better just chill. Yeah I know it'll get better but it doesn't feel like it. I feel hopeless. I can't go to events because I'm sick, but please invite me anyways because I want to feel like you took the time to think about me. I'm just so hurt. I just want love. Someone to love me and care about me. I'm happy with who I have now. Two wonderful people but sometimes it feels like I can't tell them things or that they hate me. I'm paranoid. I feel sad and lonely when I shouldn't but I just can't fucking help it. Please help me. I can't take this life anymore. My head makes everything so much worse but holy fuck I really want to know someone is there for me. I know that I'll see light soon but I'm blinded by the darkness and I need someone to help me out. 


Manchester Terror Attack


I am devastated that some people are that disgusting and actually make this happen. Those kids did not deserve the trauma, injuries or deaths that was caused. I cannot describe how disappointed I am in humans. I want everyone in those areas to stay safe and in their homes. We do not know when another one will strike. The possibility of this happening is quite low, but not risking it is much better. Love to all the victims of this attack and their families. 

Love to all.




so like I hate myself. I was fine with my body but now I'm falling into the same hateful abyss. I get told "If you lose weight you can be a model, if you lose weight you'll get a boyfriend, if you lose weight you'll be pretty." IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF IT. 

i act fine. At night I'm hyperventilating my  weak ass lungs and I'm bawling my eyes out. I'm tired with this life. 


lgbt+ because I've been lacking in it


this is a reminder that all the people in the lgbtqa+ community are important. We are an accepting community and we do not have space for hate in our hearts because we're pure and we all have similar struggles. 

Spread love and not hate!




so people. Let's talk about them. Humans. They come in all shapes and sizes. Different races and mindsets. 

We have them as friends. We sometimes trust them and other times not so much. 

Humans. They judge by appearance and never bother to go too deep emotionally because they're trying to spare themselves the pain. 

Your friends. They are humans. They make mistakes. Yet you still love them. 

Humans. The people we see everyday. Intricate feelings we might not understand and others we do. The forbidden emotions we do not talk about and the others we can shout out loud. 

Us humans. We face the fact we're alone in this world. There's not always going to be someone to catch us when we fall. The truth is. Humans. Only care about themselves because there is no space for empathy towards others. 


Friends are great


So like friends are great right? They support you. They're there for you. They listen to you. They try to understand. They care for you. 

Well shit. I wouldn't know because my friends care more about the other friends in the group. I have fucking problems but what's the point in saying anything when they don't care about it. 

But you know what. I'm glad I have someone instead of no one. Even though. A lot of the people I know don't like me and ignore me. It's as good as it's gonna get and I can't do anything about it because I'm fucking stupid. 

woo (i'm not really sad right now but i felt like writing something)

Listening to this playlist, notes from a piano stream through my speakers. I sit here listening to the calming rhythm, both joy and sadness represented by the keys. I stare blankly at the wall, thinking about anything humanly possible. Where does my life lead? I ask myself. In the end is this life even worth all the work and stress? Slowly tapping my finger on the bed, the notes of this piano are on repeat. Meaningful without words. The sense of sadness runs over me, a gentle tear rolls down my cheek. Still staring at the wall, still thinking. What does it feel like to end it all? To lose breath? To end your misery? The notes still playing, softly in the background. The background to my sadness. The music fills the room with such grace and elegance, I sit in the middle holding my knees to my chest. My heart pounding to the beat of the music. The thoughts don?t seem to stop. My eyes redden and fill with tears now pouring out as if to mimic a waterfall. This wall I am staring at, the blank white wall. This wall is what I trust in, the only source of comfort. No one can help me. The piano is still playing as if to never stop. Hopeless, alone with my thoughts and the beautiful notes from the music. That?s all I have now. How do I end it? I think. When will it ever end?

I messed up


Normal content now. 

Um I think I like a straight girl?

i promised I wouldn't do that because it's fucking stupid but I can't help it. 

Fuck me up. 

Every time she texts me I just get this feeling in my stomach. 

Like I have butterflies in my tummy. 

I'm so fucking bi. 


it's insane how fast my mood changed right now. i can't handle anything anymore. fuck life

Still sad and it's worse

Let me go with all your sorrows. I'm a sad attempt at a human. 

I only fuck shit up because I'm just here. 

I'm here being useless

Why do I even try at this point?

feelings and shit


so i feel kinda sad. I honestly despise the thought of a relationship but I just really want to like someone. I want to know that feeling. I want butterflies in my stomach, I want to blush whenever they compliment me, I want that attention they give me. I want to be able to give love back to some and just be a soft!girlfriend. I feel like I've been trying to mistake love for friendship purposely because I just want that feeling back. It'll take some time because last time I freaked out and I ended up blocking them. I must sound desperate as fuck right now, but god i just miss that feeling. That feeling. It's something to look forward in this useless world we live in. Something that'll make me continue my everyday life.



histroy maker: best song in the world!




let me put it simply

bisexuality is fucking real

i dont care if you think it's not

let people be who the fuck they want to be

let people like whoever the fuck they want to

it doesn't involve you

don't fucking hurt anyone because of their sexuality

boys can be bi

girls can be bi

boys and girls who are bi are equal

boys that are bi aren't less masculine

girls that are bi aren't the HUMANS who you think are "wank material" because you think it's hot

lets all accept the reality we live in

boys like girls and boys

girls like boys and girls

don't tell me otherwise because i understand it

telling bi boys that they are pussies, faggots, girls, well that won't help jack shit





if you're part of a minority, take pride in it because you can flaunt it all you want because you're so fucking important

always remember i fucking love you guys and never let anyone tell you how to live your life because they don't know you


(or bi hehe)



So this week my school has this thing called and interdisciplinary unit and it seriously sucked. It's when we combine different subjects and focus on that unit. This year my class had to plan a charity concert. LET ME TELL YOU HOW FUCKING STRESSFUL IT ALL WAS! My group worked well, yes. Yet we didn't manage to even finish our powerpoint so we presented off of our word document. None of knew what we were going to say. so we just stood there under the spotlight, my heart was pounding and I was speechless. We all completely failed and omg I can't start with explaining. We spent so much time planning, but the presentation was being graded so in that we completely failed that. i was supposed to be the leader of the group but damn, i did a horrible job. Please remind me to never plan a concert ever again. There is always next year, I did what I could during those five hellish days. Well well. Grades don't matter, unless you want to go to a "good"/"professional" college, uni anything like that. Stay in school either way. The extra stress is just part of the education system we have today. Which sucks by the way!


Love you all. 

PS: please comment. i'm lonely. It's not that hard, babes. <3 <3



There were a few days where I didn't want to talk to my friends. That was because I was feeling sadder than usual. At that time I was contemplating suicide, but I couldn't stop all the thoughts in my head. I would just stare at something for a long time until I realised what I was doing. 

There was a day where I truly gave up on hope. I had my blade in my hand. I pressed it against my wrist. I didn't feel it, I only saw it leave faint imprints which didn't cut in to my skin. That day I kept repeating: do it, do it, do it. I never did. I was weak. I'm happy I was or else I wouldn't be alive. From my last post you can read I did throw away my blade and I'm so happy. I cried so much and made a whole speech for myself. I'm better. It felt nice to let go and not smile and act fine for others. I'm not going to be gone anytime soon. 

Bye. I love you. 



this blog is now one year old and I want to tell you a million thanks for taking your time reading my dumb ass posts. I really appreciate it! Remember you are worth everything and don't ever give up on life because you matter. 

shitty weeks


The last few weeks have been actually horrible. My mother is being an actual asshole and it's actually insane. I've been acting different, i shout more often but when i don't want to. at this point i dont care about grammar because i just have to write about my life. My mom can't stop telling me that she doesn't want me in her life and that she should just give me away. she probably doesnt mean it but it still hurts because she always has this serious tone. i can't do it anymore. I really feel shitty. I am a dick. I'm fucking useless. i hate this feeling, i hate myself, i hate, i hate, i hate.


Almost a year?!

HEYYYYYYYYYY (that's pretty good)

I just realised that I've had this shit show of a blog for almost a year. Next month is the month where this blog will officially be one year old. I'll try to do something special, but the people that read my blog never leave any comments so I don't really know how interact with the readers. Whatever I do, I love you all and tell me about your problems. I'll be your 13 year old therapist. Young, but wise. Just dm on my instagram: x.maria.j


this also was written in june

Sometimes I love to imagine how it would be like when I move out. Living somewhere abroad like Italy or France. Lounging around in an oversized sweater and underwear while sitting on the wide window sill, holding a cup of tea. The steam from the tea rising softly then to just disappear in the air. I look out of the window covered in little rain droplets, the big night city beyond them, exposing the beautiful flashing lights. The sound of rain hitting the window as soft piano music plays in the background. A small fluffy cat walks beside the window sill and leans on my leg. Purring happily and walking off back to the kitchen. I let out a small sigh, taking in the beauty of the rainy city. All around me are lit candles, of all sizes and colours, some with scent others not. I just loved candles, the way they flickered in the dark room. I took a longer while admiring the city traffic, how the lights moved calmly though the streets. Never failed to amaze me. I sipped away at my tea, talking to myself in my thoughts. As I finish the cup, I stand up to blow out all the candles. The way the smoke made swirling patterns while rising to the air, that always made me feel dreamy inside, surprisingly calming. I slowly walk in to my room with the small cat following along beside me through the door.

this is something i wrote 5 months ago

The feeling of loneliness mixed with anger and sadness. The worst combination that I?ve come across, yet. Wanting someone to comfort you, yet you?re curled up in to a ball of rage and misery. You can?t control yourself, the actions you commit, the words you speak. Staying in your dark room, your music blasting on full volume, blocking out the sounds around you, trying not to explode once again. Midst all that you still feel like you are the only one, you need someone to wrap their arms around you and hold you together. Hold you together for as long as it takes until you heal and open up again. All emotions equal in strength over coming you. It?s still dark and unclear of what you want to do. Turn in to a burning ball of fire, flow down to an ocean of tears or disappear in to thin air where no one remembers you. Feeling as if you?re never going to have someone to care about you. Wanting to feel relief, yet not knowing what to do. You?re still locked in your room, underneath your covers crying, with your music on full volume trying to control what you?re going through. All you can do is to wait for yourself, wait for the final moment of angst, then feeling the breath of relief flow through you as you finally calm down. Even though you?re relaxed and not feeling misery or anger, the one feeling that has been there from before is loneliness. You stay underneath your covers still not knowing what to do. The tears drying up leaving streams on your red cheeks and leaving you wondering. Wondering about the loneliness, not having the feeling of a warm presence holding their arms out for you to hold on, to lift you up on to your feet and lead you to your final happy place. For now you can imagine what that could feel like. Maybe one day you?ll have that accomplished. One day.



I'm back again, but I just have to say. The thing I regret the most is coming out to my sister. Ever since I did tell her, everything has gone to shit. She told me it was fine, but of course she was lying. Ever since that day she's been treating me differently, always wants me to feel bad about myself and questioning my sexuality. She stalks my social media to see what I like and who I follow, just to question me about it. She is forcing me to tell my mom, but I don't want to. My parents show clear disgust to the LGBTQ+ community, I can't do it. I wish I would've never told my sister. She will tell my parents, I know and I don't want that to happen. I don't know what to do. She can't just forget about it. Until the day she does out me, I will just stay here. 


Labels are dumb


I'm here to talk about something that bothers me. Why do we have labels? Labels that determine what we are. We have to be this or that. Why can't we just be who we are without anyone judging us? Why can't we just live in a world where we express our differences? I find it dumb and degrading.

Hey guys its scarce here

okay, i haven't been posting much lately but thats because i don't have much happening. i like someone and that's cool ayy.